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be better, 2015. [Jan. 5th, 2015|12:26 pm]
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2014 was the kinda year that i just got through i guess. it wasnt filled with very special moments, neither did i crash. it was not the worse, neither was it the best.

2015 was always going to be a year of great albeit intimidating transitioning for me. i just didnt think even the counting down from 2014 to 2015 was gonna be such a meh transition. i shouldnt have attempted to bring different social circles together. and then there was dancetitude auditions that was okay, nothing especially heartwarming as i'd wanted it to be. sometimes we fight to believe the things we wish were true. im tired of boys and meeting people. which is kinda sad seeing how i havent exactly met a lot of people but im tired already. mj workshop and laneway that ive bought tickets for are clashing. i think i need to learn to remove dance from my priority list. it's time to grow up in 2015. time to armour up.

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goodbye year 4 sem 1 [Nov. 18th, 2014|04:29 pm]
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im graduating in a semester's time. time flies.

and that^ is what i do with what ive got. hehe.

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koko krunch [Nov. 4th, 2014|07:43 pm]
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i got to take (and meet!) Koko's class again. that was great. (:
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/ [Oct. 13th, 2014|03:20 am]
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anticipation, n.
ive always only ever hovered in the grey area. i'd have someone come along and tell me oh, you got attached. and i'd wait- for my body to react, for the neurons in my brain to spark. as if im supposed to hurt or cry or be angry or feel something specific. id just wait with tightness from my throat down to my gut, never knowing how to act or react. i'd enter a different shade of grey and never know.

disembogue, v.
i need to talk about it but i dont know what about, how to, or to whom. we are nothing, we were nothing. there is nothing to talk about.

ersatz, adj.
i was not a new bend in your road, only a 1-year detour.
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from the living room [Oct. 5th, 2014|12:09 am]
younger sis scrapped her knees yesterday on the tar road, asked me to get a big plaster for her. i failed to find a plaster big enough so she decided she can't use her blanket at night for fear of it hurting the wound on her knees. no blanket means she cant sleep with the air-conditioner on. sharing a bunk bed, she, on the lower bed, gets to use the fan. hot air rises, cold air sinks.mi have no choice but to retreat to the living room for the night. i mean, of course, since i didnt manage to get the plaster, surely it's my fault and surely thus, i dont deserve to sleep in my own bed. right? sigh.

times like this i wonder if im a pushover at home. fuq.
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none of this makes sense. [Aug. 28th, 2014|06:21 pm]

on monday, everything felt clear, though saying it out was one of the hardest things ive had to do. but everyone's telling me now that i did wrong. youre not enough, im too much.

now idk what i did, am doing, am gonna do. i dont deserve to let you down so many times over.

i think i should just steer clear from boys. meh.

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)': [Jul. 19th, 2014|03:26 pm]
it's not fair. i had to grow up and out of the self-pity parties i used to throw myself. but im surrounded by those who do and i cant say a thing. i want to help to make them feel better so that i can feel better yknow? </3
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second chances [Jun. 25th, 2014|06:04 pm]
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Paris Notre Dame
Notre-Dame de Paris sketches.

above: first attempt back in 2012 when i was freaking out being alone in a dark RER station in Paris without a working data network on my phone.
below: 2nd attempt but impatience still got to me.
insta: @subtleassphinx

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(no subject) [Jun. 14th, 2014|05:33 pm]
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what a month-long of late night trainings, nights of costume sewing amounted to as i turned 23 last weekend. (:
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late night thoughts x dance [Jun. 13th, 2014|05:29 pm]
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"you are free to do whatever you want here. do it your way. explore."
art hands me the key to endless possibilities. it liberates me from the anvil that keeps me from soaring. compelled to work within cages, i try to make the best out of what i've got. working within measures is all i have.

or so id thought.

today im crumbled by the knowledge of how i fail myself. on the very rare and precious occasions that art presents me absolute freedom, i push it back, appalled. "this isnt what i wanted. i cant do this. this doesnt feel safe. im scared. help. no."
the anvil id envisioned to be the world was merely the workings of my own mind. i am unable to take flight, much less to soar. my limbs are bound by nothing but the taut rope of fear snaking through my body.

is liberation from the self a possibility at all?
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